The past three months have been nothing short of heartache, but also nothing short of God giving us a supernatural peace and the ability to hold tight to the promises that He has for us. A desperation of who He is, a longing for diving into His desires for us, & how He is truly never letting us go. God has showed off with his adoration and provision with things that have been beyond our expectations and understandings because THAT’S WHO HE IS. Oh, and this is just the beginning.

My heart through this whole process of walking through grief has been to not only stay open and vulnerable with myself, but with you guys as well. I am finding so much healing in sharing her story and allowing God to prune my heart, and prune our lives as a family. Writing has always been my therapy. My outlet. Allowing my thoughts and heart to be known onto paper, & even if no one reads it. Through this process, God is revealing more of Himself, showing us what we are capable of, and then refining us in ways we never knew were possible. We are not the same, & I am not the same as before Kinley Eve came into this world. I can’t be the same. My perspective has shifted. My heart has forever been marked by this precious life that lived inside of me. Life is so precious. Life is just a glimpse. My heart might have a hole, but God is filling it back up and pumping so much life, joy, and hope into my veins daily. My life has been forever changed. Our lives have been forever changed.

Her story does not end here, as you will soon discover. I have so many more revelations and stories of God’s goodness to share with you all, but this is where we will start. Honestly, Josh and I can truly say that we have a increased knowing of the Father’s heart & how He loves us with a love that is unshakeable and undeniable. He knows the desires of our hearts, and as our hearts have been breaking, so has His. We don’t want to miss what God has for us in this season of aching to have our baby girl in our arms, but we surrender our pain up to one who KNOWS and UNDERSTANDS our pain on a daily basis & to the One who is holding our baby girl every single day. One who fills our cup, and before we know it is overflowing with His goodness, His truths, His love, His joy, and His PERFECT sustaining peace. 

I do pray that as you read our story, God consumes you in a way you have never experienced Him before. I pray that you receive a touch of Heaven - a touch of how GOOD He is, despite the hell that you might be going through, have been through in the past, or will go through in the future. I pray that there is an awakening in your heart to know Him on a deeper level & be undone by the good Father that He is - He has your BEST in mind & always will. He NEVER stops pursuing you and wants your whole heart. I pray that fears, strongholds, addictions, whatever it is you are going through, is broken and crushed by the Hand of the Father, not giving any grip to the enemy. I pray for a faith that will move mountains in your life and in others, and a hope that only He can give. 

So with that, where do I even begin?

As I sit here reflecting back on the moment I knew life was growing inside of me, the moment I told Josh, told our family and friends, the moment we decided to have another surprise gender baby, the moment we decided on a home birth, the moment I knew I was in the home stretch, the morning that contractions started, when I pushed her into this world, & then shortly after the second we had to tell her goodbye and that we would see her soon…. I honestly have so much JOY on top of the sorrow because her life had and has purpose.

It was truly a gift that I got to carry her for 9 months - a gift where I would do it again, no questions asked, because of the gift that she has been giving me through this process. She was a true miracle baby girl that was being kept alive by my body, sustaining her life, and man, I am so honored to have been chosen to carry her, Josh, as her earthy daddy, & sweet Lucy as her big sister. Of course we crave for her to be here, don’t get me wrong. We miss her so bad it hurts, and it’s so unfair, but thank you Jesus, because you give GOOD gifts, and she was oh so good. 

There is so much to her pregnancy story, long before I gave birth to her, and a story that will keep on giving because of the impact that she has made on not only us, but others. With that, I guess I could start from the day Lucy and I told Daddy we were gonna have another baby!! If you haven’t seen the video, check it out below. It’s too good. I was in shock. Lucy is too young to understand and just wants to color (haha), but Josh’s reaction was the best. A little back story is that Josh was about to make his bomb margaritas, and if you know, you know, that he makes the best margs, but I wasn’t going to be able to enjoy one for another 8 months because he was about to be in the know….

Too funny, right? I am on the floor laughing every time I watch that video because of the shock on Josh’s face & his reaction is priceless. I won’t blame you if you watch this again, I have watched it over 50x and every time it gets better and better ;).

Now, let’s fast forward to getting over the shock phase, and entering the time where we were needing to figure out where we would have this little nugget. I always knew I wanted a home birth, and maybe this time was it. When I was pregnant with Lucy, we were supposed to give birth at Baby & Co, a birthing center close to our house, but at 36 and 6days we discovered that I had pre-eclampsia, and I ended up having to be induced that day. Even though it wasn’t our “birth plan,” it was also a supernatural, Holy Spirit raining down, all natural birth… & if you want to read more in detail about Lucy’s birth you can find it —>  here! Supernatural births seem to be a common theme in our lives, and I am definitely not mad about it.

So here we are, researching on midwifes in the area for home birth because it was our hearts desire for this next baby. As I was searching for someone, a close friend of mine told me about a woman that went to her church & just started her own practice. She tells me her practice’s name is “Haven Birth!” When I looked it up, I was immediately overjoyed  because I saw that it was one of the midwives I met at Baby & Company, Lauren Drees!  I will never forget that when I met Lauren at Baby & Co I absolutely fell in love with her sweet spirit, & told Josh that I wanted her at our birth! It didn’t work out for Lucy’s birth, but here we were doing a home birth and I knew she was going to be my midwife. I prayed before calling her & sure enough she had ONE more opening for the month of September. I told her that day - you are it! What an answer to prayer, because as you will soon discover, God already knew how much I would need her and how she is so vital to our little warrior girls story!

Throughout my pregnancy with Kinley, Lauren knew my history with pre-eclampsia, & we both knew the power of prayer & what supplements to be on top of so I didn’t have a repeat of pre-e. With every appointment, we were praying over my blood pressure, praying over any swelling, praying for no vision changes. “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:77 This verse is what I covered and spoke over myself during Lucy’s pregnancy and birth, and then again with Kinley girl! We cast out all fear . She heard my concerns, & immediately took them into the throne room with me, she helped me declare God’s truth and promises over this pregnancy & beyond.

You can ask my friends, but I felt so alive in this pregnancy with Kinley. I felt a confidence and so much JOY to carry this life inside of me, but then of course I was so happy to not be swelling up like I did with Lucy, haha! Think of the blueberry girl from Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, that was me pregnant with Lucy. You could have rolled me out of every room. Truth be told, I still had so much joy with Lucy & didn’t let the swelling stop me because I truly didn’t know any difference, but I also knew what a gift it was to even being carrying a life inside of me as Lucy was a rainbow baby. Of course, pregnancy has it’s ups and downs. I had the heartburn, the back aches, peeing 24/7, the challenges of being super pregnant running after a toddler, constipation, and craving everything I couldn’t eat & eat, but we were so beyond excited to be able to experience birth in a whole new way. I was going to be able to go into labor on my own. What did that look like? How would I know it was real? So many questions, and I felt like a complete newbie texting all my girlfriends & midwife, but we were excited for all of the unknowns. It was going to be fun. It was going to be joyful. It was going to be new & exciting.

Looking back, even now, I can see all that God has done, and is continuing to do. I see the inner workings of His hands and the knitting of our hearts knowing that they were going to be ripped a part and broken into a thousand pieces. & do you know what is so incredible? God knew what our hearts needed to be knit with. He knew that it had to be strong, it had to be durable, and it had to be able to withstand the rips, breaks, and tears that were going to happen. He knew it all before it ever happened. Oh, we ache still today, and that might not ever go away, but our ability to love just got deeper. Our ability to praise Him got stronger. Our ability to surrender our pain and hurt over to The One who can withstand all our thoughts and emotions, questions and concerns just got easier because we know that He can handle it all. He wants to handle it all, so why not let Him carry our weight & burden? I miss my baby girl every single day and I think about what life would look like right now with her here. It isn’t supposed to be like this, but oh how I can’t wait to see her again. We can’t wait to see her again & I can’t wait for you all to meet her when that day comes.

September 11th, 2018 :: The day before Kinley Eve made her entrance!

There is an app called Marco Polo, one that my best friends and I use to communicate to each other being far away. In a nutshell, it’s basically like a video walkie-talkie voicemail. On the day before Kinley arrived, we were all marco’ing asking how the 3 pregnant mamas  of the group were feeling since all of our babies were due in September. One of our friends, Kayla, was already past her due date and so ready to have her baby, Hannah felt like she still had more time to cook, and I felt like I was going to have my baby any day because I felt like my body was giving me “signs,” but like I mentioned before, I was a newbie, so I didn’t know how “real” it all was & they kept on telling me I didn’t look “birthy” so this couldn’t be it. I had just turned 38 weeks the day before, so for sure I had at LEAST one-two more weeks in me.

I had also told the girls I had some cramping that day,  really light menstrual cramps, I had lost my mucus plug that morning, and I had been (sorry if this is TMI but this IS a birth story ;) ) had lots of cleansing poops! Haha, & YALL this was a big deal to me because I had actually been very constipated  my whole pregnancy, so I was so excited for the fact that my body was getting rid of it all. Let’s be real, I was feeling on top of the world getting that junk out, ha. HOWEVER, toward the end of my errand run, Josh had asked me to go on a hunt to find this certain type of chicken sausage. Yes, chicken-freakin-sausage & there was only one brand he wanted. I had made my way into THREE different grocery stores & unwillingly because in every. single. grocery store I had business to take care of in the bathroom, and not just your normal business, but the kind that gives you the sweats and you just want to be at home on your own toilet!! At one point the thought crossed my mind about having our baby in the Aldi grocery store  & oh, what a story that would have been.

I also had an insane amount of energy this day while I was running around town with my last minute errands… I got an adjustment, got my nails/toes done, ran to those beloved grocery store(S), & got it done faster by doing it all without Lucy girl. While getting my toes done, I remember just thanking Jesus for this baby that was inside of me. I felt *her, not knowing if it was a girl yet* sweet little feet kick me, I felt her move & play, & I held onto my belly and just starting praying for my labor, praying for the birth, praying for this LIFE inside of me that was kicking, moving, and breathing! In that moment, I felt the peace of God rush over me, and just hold me so tight! God was preparing me for what was about to happen even though I had no idea, but He knew. He knew I would need Him like no other, and He was making himself known and letting me feel His tangible love. He met me where I was. That’s how good He is & thoughtful He is. It wasn’t anywhere fancy. He met me as I was. Getting my toes done in a salon with a sweet lady painting my toes with a color called Funny Bunny! Even though I had no idea what the next 24 hours had in store for us, that peace of God was rushing through my veins even then. I had ZERO fear then, zero fear now, & still a peace that hasn’t left us.

When I finally made it home, I got super tired and knew I needed to go to bed early just in case this was real. However, do you think that happened? Nope. I started cleaning, picking up parts of the house that just needed some tidying, and of course soaking up some time with Lucy. I was super emotional that evening. Josh and I had gotten in a dumb disagreement & we realized that emotions were real high with the baby’s arrival possibly being soon. & that night, while putting Lucy to bed I became overwhelmed with even more emotion. I started almost uncontrollably crying as I was rocking her, holding her so tight, & soaking up every moment because I had the feeling it was all about to change. My sweet tender hearted Lucy girl looked at me in her adorable little toddler voice & said, “Mommy cryinnn? Why mommy sad?” She then proceeded to wipe my tears, & hugged the baby so tight that night as I explained to her she was going to be a big sister to a sister or brother soon. She helped me sing “It is Well” over the baby, we prayed the sweetest prayer over baby, & she of course had to give the belly some kisses. Sweet dreams, my darling.

September 12th, 2018 :: Kinley Eve’s Birthday <3

Oh my friends, God went before us in SO many of these details and I am going to do my best to paint a picture for you <3 I want you know, there are no regrets. Nothing I would have done differently. Nothing we could have done differently. Her birth story is something I will have joy with, even though it will be mixed with a deep longing and aching of wanting her back. It will also be a memory that I will not let the enemy rob me of to bring any sort of bitterness or hatred toward something so beautiful, and a life has brought so much light in the darkness. It was a perfect birth, even in the midst of the hurting like hell, I know that God has a plan for us and I have a story to tell . She is perfect & she is so perfectly content in the arms of the Father. Oh & how I want you all to know the whole story - and even though it’s going to hurt like hell for me to type this part all out & write out all the details, but I know that I need too. & let’s be honest, it might not be very easy to read, and it might make you uncomfortable, BUT I want you to feel the goodness of God in the midst of it all. How it can suck so bad, but you can still feel the embrace of the Father. I know this because I have felt it, time and time again. I want you to see how He went before us and how He going before us now. I want you guys to know that this freakin sucks so so bad, but we serve a God that gives the BEST of gifts, and Kinley Eve was the perfect gift, that If I were given a choice to carry her again, even knowing the outcome, I would do it over and over again. She was worth it. It was ALL worth it.

So with that said, here we go…

At around 5:45am on September 12th, just two days after Josh’s birthday & 10 days before Lucy’s, I woke up to realize I was having some cramping that seemed more timely & couldn’t really fall back asleep. Say what? Could this be the real thing? Is my body gearing up? …so as to what I think you are supposed to do, I began to time them to see how far apart they were….

5:51 / 6:04 / 6:11 / 6:17 / 6:19 / 6:24 / 6:29 / 6:35 / 6:40 / 6:45 /6:50 …

Hmm, okay… so my toes were starting to curl with every tightening of my belly, maybe this is real! I got up to pee and as I wiped, I got some red tent on the toilet paper, and I noticed some in my underwear. Hmm….so could this be the start of a “bloody show” that I hear of? Even though it didn’t look that “bloody?” With my eyes wide open, I tried to fall back asleep…but who  am I kidding, it was happening!!  My heart rate increasing because of excitement and nervousness, but I laid back down & reached over my island, aka my massive pregnancy pillow, to tell Josh “Soooo, I think today is the day.” His eyes now popped wide open after being in a deep slumber with a look of shock on his face. “Wait really? We have two more weeks though!”- he said.  My reply was simple, “haha, when baby is ready, baby is ready ;) buttttt I think these contractions are… real!” With that we kissed and treasured up the brief moments of just us before Lucy girl decided to grace us with her presence. We laid there and I asked Josh to pray over baby and our labor, and as he did we both felt God’s peace flood through our home and make its way into every part of our hearts. We were declaring and praying for a JOYFUL labor, for every ounce of fear to be gone in the name of Jesus, for a life-giving experience, & a painless supernatural birth! <3

6:52am: At this point, I decided I should probably send a text to my midwife, giving her a heads up about my contractions being 5ish min apart and that I had some red tent that morning! I was on the toilet when she called me where I began to tell her how I could talk through them, was walking around, and how overall, I was feeling great. She had an appointment at 8am, so we were going to touch base after that to see how things were progressing. After I called Lauren, I decided to call my mom and let her know that if she wanted to make it, she better hop on a plane soon because I was pretty sure it was all happening today.

I didn’t have an appetite, felt a little nauseous, but I knew I needed to eat something to keep my energy levels up.  Josh immediately went to the kitchen & pulled out all the stops on making me breakfast. Cue the chuckles because all I could hear were pots and pans being thrown around because Josh sounded like a chicken running around with his head cut off while trying to make me breakfast. Running from one room to the next. & funny story is that I would go into labor on the last day Josh had ALL of his contractors scheduled to come work on a flip house down the street before closing. Thankfully though, it was close, but they were all going to be getting there at 8am, and he needed to be there and let them in. This would leave me home alone with Lucy for about an hour & enter the photo above taken at 8:56am where Lucy thought it was funny to hide under my belly & try to figure out what was happening down there. Real moment, real life.

We had all the birth kit stuff in our clear plastic bins, but nothing was laid out yet. We definitely had a list of things to do, and I was no help at this point! We needed to lay down the tarps in our bedroom, on the floor in the living room, get the birthing tub ready, figure out childcare for Lucy (ha), but every time I stood up and tried to help with getting the bed ready my contractions started picking up, so I decided to just labor on the side of the bed where it was comfortable and FaceTime two of my girlfriends, Hailey & Sarah, because, why not! I was still home alone with Lucy, laboring, so why not add something else to my plate ;) 

While face-timing with Hailey, she had asked me where Josh was, & at this point he had been gone for about an hour. I kept hearing Lucy in the kitchen, and from what it sounded like she was playing with the utensils. Her sassy little self walks back into the bedroom with a fork ANDDD a knife and begins to toss my omelet  into the air, flying all over the bed and floor,  “looook mommm, i’m coookkinn!” She then proceeded to walk into the living room and we watched her color on the door frame with crayons! We start laughing, and I tell Hailey “I realllllly can’t care. We can always  wash it, but I can’t move to make her stop!” “Nicole, where is Hannah” Hailey asked? Oh yeah, I guess I need her to come over, haha!” It was then that my bestie Hannah showed up (our backup babysitter with Lucy if my mom wasn’t here & hopefully praying she wouldn’t be in labor either because we our due dates were only two days apart).

Finally, at 9:05am, Josh came back home and I decide to send my midwife another text reading: “UPDATE: They are def getting more intense where now I am not really able to talk through them / but moaning a little/ walking around increases them! some cold sweats!” She quickly responded that she was 10 min away.

Lauren arrived, and they start prepping the room. Abby, the sweetest nurse arrives, who was also a God send, comes in and checks on me and baby. At 9:33am, she checked the baby’s heartbeat and it was absolutely perfect. This was one of the last videos I got on my phone of Lucy interacting with my belly and how sweet it is to go back and hear that beautiful heartbeat thriving and beating with purpose and life.

9:45am, Lauren asked me if I wanted to get checked to see how far along I was.  “Why not, let’s just see.” Lauren checked me, she pulled back, and then her eyes opened REAL big. She said, “haha, sooo, I don't think we need to set up the birthing tub because you are 9CM!!!” “Haha, I’m sorry what?!” Lauren and I started laughing and in TOTAL disbelief and shock. HOW IN THE WORLD? When was transition? I was not having ANY urge to push. I mean, I knew that it could be fast with your second, but this just seemed crazy. My contractions at this point were shorter than I remember with Lucy (but I also was induced with Lucy), so I was so curious why I wasn’t pushing yet.  We just continued to get things moving, and let my body do its thing. ! It was at this time I also texted Jordie, my amazing birth photographer/videographer, and told her I was 9cm and that she could come over / praying that she would make it since I was already 9cm!

Our bedroom ended up being my safe place during labor. I never left that room. I had the diffuser filling the room with Frankincense, worship music seeping into my ears and praising Him for every contraction, every step I took, every squat, every breath I took in and out to help bring our sweet baby into this world. Josh held onto my hips during each contraction as I craved for that physical touch and connection. His presence and ultimately HIS presence was so sweet and comforting. I sang along to the music, swaying back and forth, letting God’s peace rest on my shoulders. I breathed in the Holy Spirit, and breathed out all of my fears and insecurities as I held my belly so tight and felt my sweet baby. I was so ready to hold this squishy baby in my arms. We were ready.

I went back and forth from laboring on the bed, to sitting on the side of the bed, walking around, doing lunges, sitting on the toilet, using my birthing ball on the bed, & honestly trying all the things I could do to help get things moving and getting the urge to push. I  to danced & I laughed through my contractions. I was trying to moan, in that “deep open up my cervix baby come out’ moan. I wanted and needed to get this baby to get in my pelvis. Truth is,  baby’s heartbeat was perfect, but I was so intrigued as to why I wasn’t getting the urge to push when I was 9cm, probably even 10cm at this point! I even sang, “Get Low”, & with that song I actually felt her kick, so I sang it again to send her the message that “Let’ssss doooo this thinggg babyyy!!” She liked it!

Here we are, now at around 12:30pm. Lauren had me lay on the bed and we were going to try and push to get my water to break. She had said my water bag was “bulging,” and this baby wasn’t in my pelvis yet and still just floating around. The craziest part is that I was able to feel her head with my hand, but she had not sank into position. Hannah brought Lucy in so I could nurse her for a second to see if that would help, and with my next contraction, I breathed through that contraction and forced my body to push. With that push, water went FLYING out of my body. Not kidding, flying. Josh JUMPED it startled him so much, and if Lauren was 2 inches closer she would have been drenched from head to toe in amniotic fluid, ha! Josh described it as the “rooster tail from a boat going down the river!” It was amazing and it just kept on coming out. A stream of fluid just soaking the bed and floor…& this is why you lay down tarps, you never know what you are going to get!

Now we are thinking “okay, game on, baby is DEFINITELY coming any minute,” but even then, God gave us some more time together, and although I was growing a little impatient, I will be forever grateful for this last hour because God’s sweetness and hand was all over it. I continued to dance, to just move and let my body and mind enjoy this process still. I placed my hands on my tummy, after my water had broke, and laughed because I was so amazed on how much smaller it felt. I could feel parts of my her that I couldn’t feel as well before! I loved on her not knowing it was a her yet, but completely head over in heels in love with the life that was inside of me that we were going to be meeting so very soon. & you might be wondering if I was fearful at all at this time, and the answer is no. I had no fear, no concerns, and no questions. I knew that my body was capable, and I knew that I had an amazing birth team and God giving me the intuition and mama gut if I felt like anything was wrong. I still wondered why she wasn’t in my pelvis on her own, but it didn’t concern me.

1pm:  By this time, I knew I needed to probably make something happen. I had been 10cm for too long, and we were ready to have this baby. I guess you could say I needed to stop having fun, ha! I had been in zero pain, felt no pressure to push, and so with that, I got on the toilet to get in the zone and push her out. A place I never thought that I would labor at, but for some reason I had this mental block that I wasn’t going to be able to push just anywhere because “if” I did poop while giving birth, & let’s be honest, most of the time you do, it needed to go into the toilet, not anywhere else, ha! I sat there & with every contraction I was mooing, yes mooing, baby down into my pelvis. Oh, & FINALLY, I felt like we were getting somewhere. My legs had gone numb at one point because no one imagines giving birth on a hard cold toilet, but this is what was working for me. I could tell I had moo’d & pushed our sweet baby into my pelvis and before we knew it we were  crowning. I could hear my amazing birth team cheering my on, every word, every touch, encouraging me that I was doing such a good job. “That’s right mama. You got it mama.”  I remember Abbey had the doppler on my belly checking her heartbeat before coming out, and it was perfect. I still hear it now. I wanted to watch her come out & as I was pushing, & Lauren was right in front of me ready to catch baby. As she was coming out they needed me to get on my hands and knees because her little shoulder seemed as though it was a little stuck, but the second I moved to my hands and knees, with Josh holding me as my rock and support, our sweet baby entered this world at 1:34pm. Lauren pulled our sweet baby to my stomach. She was so squishy and warm, but she didn’t reach very high as we had all realized that her chord was insanely short. This most likely being the reason why she was never in my pelvis. I remember looking at her, still not knowing if it was a girl or boy yet, kissing Josh, touching her,  feeling powerful & while being filled with so much joy and relief that our baby was here in our arms, I could feel that something was wrong in that moment.

I looked at our sweet baby and so calmly the first words out of my mouth to our girl was, “Oh, Baby. Baby. You’re purple!” Why was she purple? This didn’t make sense. We had just heard her heartbeat as she was coming out. Lauren had Abbey go and get the scissors to cut the chord. Oh, & how every momma longs to hear their baby wail at the top of their lungs, to see their body expand with breath, their eyes open to see a whole new world before them, to feel their soft squishy body pressed up against yours, breathing in sync with your breath, and for the first time you see the LIFE that you and your husband created; but ultimately a life that was given to us & entrusted to us by our loving Heavenly Father. Our sweet baby wasn’t breathing. wasn’t screaming. wasn’t moving. I sat there, exposed, on the cold tile floor stunned, watching & waiting, but bringing heaven down in that bathroom. This part is such a blur, but so vivid at the same time. Oooooh did I feel His presence my friends… it was so thick you could have cut it with a knife. There was such a stillness and a peaceful spirit even though there was so much controlled chaos happening around us; I knew He was holding all of us. I sat there feeling so helpless, where all I could do was pray in the Spirit and declare LIFE and BREATH into our sweet girl. “Come on, breathe baby girl, breathe!”

Lauren so calmly asked time to Abby, and she said 3 minutes. It had been three minutes since she was born and nothing had changed. So with power and authority in her voice she told Josh to call 911. When Josh was on the phone with 911, I could hear the panic, but boldness & peace in his voice. I watched Lauren and Abby as they were also praying, but pumping life back into our sweet baby girl. I was up at baby girls head and was telling her “it’s okay my baby, mommy is right here!! Breathe, Breathe! IN THE NAME OF JESUS“ I then watched as my little girls lungs weren’t expanding still, and I was confused. How could this be? I saw Lauren give her mouth to mouth, but still her little chest wasn’t rising! I saw her precious little body start to poop and it didn’t make any sense to me. I sat there studying her sweet little body - taking in every part of her, her brown hair, that she had so much of, her adorable button nose, her perfect lips that she got from her daddy, and her toes that were so quirky & funky looking, but oh so cute. She was perfect. She looked so much like her sister, and so much like her daddy! She was ours & she was here… but of course what was happening in front of our eyes wasn’t lining up. They got the warmer out for her, and they started putting all the blankets on her. I was still trying to kiss her, soak up her smell & speak life over her & Lauren had to tell me  “momma, I need you to sit back because I don’t know how you are doing.” So I sat. & I watched. I watched it all unfold before my eyes. I sat naked on the floor with a toilet on my left and my baby girl on my right, and somehow still felt the tangible presence of my Father holding me and comforting me in an unimaginable, heart wrenching, questionable time.

……………………..

4 minutes passed. 6 minutes passed. 8 minutes passed.

Ambulance and EMT’s arrived in what it seemed like seconds & I still had not moved. Lauren and Abby had baby girl stable with oxygen, while Abby was having to pump life into our sweet girl because she still wasn’t able to breath on her own. I don’t know if I imagined this in the moment or not, but I recall hearing a sweet whimper from our girl and I feel like I can still hear it now. The sweetest little sound from my girl. The only sound I got to hear.

I continued to sit there on the cold, hard, hideous pink and blue tile floor, still having the scissors attached to the umbilical chord, a chord that once gave her life and now it had been cut off, and I was believing for a miracle. I was so hopeful, even as I watched them take my little girl who was no longer in my belly, out on a piece of hard cardboard covered in Lucy’s blankets.  I told Josh to go with them. I wanted him with her since I couldn’t be. Abbey left with him to help sustain sweet girls breath, and Lauren walked out to follow them out of the door. I was then left in there alone…..but then again I never was really alone. What seemed like minutes, but maybe it was only seconds, I was completely surrounded by the presence of the Holy Spirit and His peace was overwhelming me. I had questions. I was so confused. I was trying to wrap my head around everything that had just happened. This can’t be real. This can’t be our story. Not like this. & then Jordie, our sweet birth photographer, came in the bathroom and started praying over me. Speaking life. Breathe. Truth. & more peace over me & our baby girl. & if God’s timing isn’t for real, think again, because my mom walks in that exact moment. There was still a sweetness and stillness in our home. There were no tears yet, even though we had questions and things we were not quite understanding, but there was no fear in our quietness, & I just knew that somehow it was going to be okay. 

Lauren came back in the bathroom and they all got me in the bed so I could deliver the placenta, get me stable, and quickly get me to the hospital to be with my girl & Josh. Sweet Hannah brought Lucy girl in so she could nurse to help get the placenta out, which worked, and then she took her to to take a nap. I knew that Josh was at the hospital by himself and I wanted my mom to go be with him since I couldn’t be there yet, so she got ready to leave. I laid on the bed while Lauren stitched me up, all while we were still bringing heaven down declaring God’s goodness. Lauren was getting updates from Abbey, since Josh’s phone was about to die. & Lauren started to prepare me that our girl was probably going to be spending time in the NICU etc, but at this point it wasn’t the worst news we were going to hear. I even remember talking to my brother on the phone, and as he prayed over us, I STILL was believing for a miracle.

They sat me up on the edge of the bed, and I sat there facing the wall, the blank wall that so perfectly represented my thoughts in that moment. The first time being a realization of what was happening, but still no tears had fallen. Was this shock? Was this peace? Could it have been both? I sat there as they checked my blood pressure, which was a little high, but I sat there… breathing in God’s peace, and breathing out all of my fears so I could go and hold my baby girl. That was my goal. I had to be stable so I could get to her as fast as I could. I had Hannah in front of me, Lauren to my left, and the nurse on my right. I heard Lauren say that Josh was on the phone, so I turned left to see Lauren hand me the phone & Josh’s voice on the other side. 

So calmly and so sweetly Josh asked me, “How are you doing baby!?” His tender heart going straight for mine in asking how I was doing when he was facing the same mountain I was. So peacefully and gently he began to explain to me our baby girl wasn’t going to make it & that they had tried everything they could, but her little body couldn’t fight anymore. As tears started to stream down my face, I asked if they could wait until I got there, but he said they couldn’t.  Oh myyy heart. It was then all the release of emotions poured out in the biggest mama wail that left my body. I immediately felt weak and limp as I instantly fell into my sweet Hannah's beautiful pregnant belly and tears began to flood out. A cry that I never could replicate if I tried. A sound that I never knew could be exhausted from my lungs & a sound that was so deep rooted into the core of my being shaking the atmosphere. Oh, Jesus, be near. Peace. Be still. Oh, how I needed the embrace of my husband at that moment, & my mom had already left for the hospital….but oh how I felt the embrace of my Heavenly Father. At a point of deep aching in my heart & feeling as though it was just ripped from my chest, there was still a surreal feeling of being weightless. Even though I had every reason to feel like I just had 10,000 bricks thrown onto of me,  & even though you would think that I would just want to curl up in a ball & cry, I was weightless. Floating in supernatural peace while experiencing a crushing like I never knew was possible. Where my natural self wanted to retreat & shut down, but my supernatural response was far greater in that moment and was breaking my natural response. I knew I needed to get to the hospital. I needed to be with Josh, and I needed to be with my girl.

I gathered my emotions back up so that Lauren and I could get in the car to head to the hospital. She held my hand the whole time, put worship music on, and we glided effortlessly in and out of traffic. I remember thinking, “gosh, Lauren is an amazing driver.” In the chaos of all of this, I felt like we were driving on butter weaving in and out of traffic so smoothly! As we were driving, with tears that were streaming down our faces, I said, “Lauren, I feel guilty right now, but I have SO much peace!” Little did I know that it was in that moment that Lauren had gotten a text that our baby girl was already in the arms of Jesus, and in that moment God just began to squeeze me a little tighter & His peace began to overwhelm every ounce of my body and mind. 

I slowly got out of the car & sat in that black uncomfortable wheel chair to head into the hospital. We made a stop so that I could pee before going up, and then they began to roll me up to the NICU on the third floor of the hospital. I was preparing myself. I didn’t know if she would be gone yet or not, I didn’t know what I was going to be “rolled” into, but it’s a picture I will never forget. 

It was an open room with multiple NICU beds, the sound of beeping machines, heartbeats being monitored, the smell of disinfectants filling your nostrils, and truly a place you never want to find yourself. All I could focus on was the empty NICU bed with baby feet printed blankets that once covered my baby girl, an army of nurses watching me as I am about to pull up next to the back of a chair with my sweet husband embracing & kissing the little girl that was once breathing and kicking inside of my belly, and a moment I never thought I would find myself in. I rolled up slowly, and looked to the right, where Josh was holding our tightly swaddled baby girl. He handed her to me, and in utter surrender and tears rushing down our cheeks, I spoke out loud that “this just can’t be real… this isn’t how it is supposed to be, whyyy????” and in the next breathe I started declaring God’s goodness and glory over her life. “Oh sweet baby girl, God is STILL good & you are going to change lives. The glory of Jesus will go forth BECAUSE of your life. ” I couldn’t stop. I was declaring the goodness of our God. It was bubbling from inside of me, and it wouldn't stop. Our tears then moved from one room to the next as the staff at Centennial was so gracious and loving and offered us a private room for us to go love on our baby girl. Oh, how we showered her with all the snuggles and kisses we could give, and her precious body caught all of the tears that fell. We weren’t supposed to say goodbye to her on the same day that we met her. That is not how it was supposed to be, but there is purpose in this pain. There is beauty from these ashes. There is blessing from this suffering. I discovered once again how powerful a mothers love for her baby is all over again, and it got even stronger that day.

Gosh, she was and is so beautiful & as it still doesn’t make sense, we are overcome with the Glory of God and Glory of His hand all over us in this complete and indescribable heartbreak. We couldn’t help but take in every soft touch of her newborn baby skin, study every inch, and rub our hands over her still warm cheeks. We couldn’t stop kissing her perfect kissable lips, crazy toes, and teeny hands all while finding ourselves watching and hoping that we would see her chest rise, her eyes open, and wake up to find it was all a dream. I wept as I saw where her body had been poked and prodded and hated that I wasn’t here. Praying that she didn’t feel the pain of everything they tried to do to save her. & oh, how I wish it was a dream. I so hate that we have to go through trials & heartbreaking seasons, but oh do I LOVE that I can find hope and draw into a strength I didn’t know I would ever know because of Jesus. Did I want this to be my story, not at all. I don’t wish this pain on anyone, but through her life, and us leaning into what God has for us, our faith has been tested, & while there are days and times we have felt helpless and weak, in those days He has been there holding us up and speaking LIFE and BREATH back into us. Your mommy and daddy can’t wait to see you again….to hold you, & kiss you, & your sweet sister can’t wait to play with you & annoy you like big sisters do ;).

That day, Dr. Palmer, our amazing NICU doctor, came in and sat down in front of us. He was so kind & if there was anyone that was going to do what he has been gifted to do on our baby girl, he was it. He knelt down in front of us explaining to us all that they had tried to do & that her 8 pound 3 oz body wasn’t able to carry life outside of my womb. I was her lifeline. There was so much beauty in the fact that she lived as long as she did in my belly. She was our miracle baby. He even took the time to reassure us, even though I had no doubts in my mind about our home birth, that whether or not she was born at home or in hospital that the heartbreaking outcome would have been the same. As he began to unravel the details, he began to explain that her heart was too big for her little body from the xray that they took, that they had a very difficult time trying to get a tube down her throat because of her pallet. Her nipples weren’t fully developed, & that her feet, that I had noticed being so funky and cute, were actually called rocker bottom feet. He gave us an idea of what he thought she might have had & for his own findings wanted to find out through chromosome testing. Results came back weeks later, & the chromosome testing that Dr. Palmer did came back showing that she actually had all of the correct chromosomes. There was nothing wrong with her chromosomes. No ultrasound could have showed these abnormalities, and even if they did, it could have changed everything. If we would have say known about these things it could have changed my labor, delivery, being at the hospital or not.  In reality, it all happened as it was meant to be, and we have peace with that. While this news of the chromosomes still gave us some unanswered questions as to why she had the abnormalities that she did - it is okay. We might not ever understand, but again, it is truly okay.

A couple hours had passed since she was born and we still hadn’t decided on her name, so we opened the notes app in my phone, as we had been keeping boy & girl names in there, and the FIRST girl name was Kinley. How beautiful it was that right next to it was the meaning of the name - “warrior.”  We were immediately overcome with emotion & wept as she encompassed every part of that. She had a warrior spirit like no other & she held on until the very end. Her middle name came quick as we wanted it to mean ‘breathe’. All throughout her labor, with every worship song that was sung, every breathe that I took, & us speaking breathe over her, I knew it had meaning; it kept coming to the forefront of my mind. I breathed her out & I believe that her first true breath by herself was with the King of Kings & the Lord of Lords!

Our beautiful girl, Kinley Eve Duckworth, was born into this world at 1:34pm on September 12th, 2018, at 8lb 3oz and went to be with Jesus at 3:10pm that same day. She was love at first sight & she was beyond anything I could have ever imagined. We gained another little girl & Lucy Rose became a big sister. Our hearts grew bigger that day and as our whole life had felt as though it got turned upside down, but we got rooted deeper than ever before in a love that was undeniable. She will never be forgotten. We will always say her name, and I hope you do, too.

We didn’t let the darkness win that day, and it never will. God’s love was thick, His presence was tangible, & His Glory shined forth in that room and it only got stronger! We blasted worship music in that room, we sang over our sweet baby girl as we anointed her with Frankincense. We knew that her spirit was in the arms of our Heavenly Father, and that we were going to be the ones entrusted to share the story of her life. I knew she was going to make a huge impact in the Kingdom, and now sitting here, three months later, and hearing all that God has done, I am truly undone. Undone by all that God has done and is STILL doing. This is a story that will never end, and will continue to bring forth the Glory of our King.

Some days I have to let my feelings & emotions ride like the waves that they are while sitting in the presence of the Holy Spirit, consumed in his captivating love, & reminding me of who He is - letting his love wash over me. I let the emotions come and go as they please . As I should & as I always will. God, you are STILL good - no matter what the future will bring & bringing Glory to your name is all I could ever think to do & want to do.

I could easily loose my sense of hope in the future & even in the present....but I know I can’t & I wont. A now empty belly that no longer carries the sweet bundle of joy that lived and breathed inside of me could easily bring so much fear & bitterness, but instead it is replaced with a joy, peace & a thankful spirit that I got to carry her to begin with & I was CHOSEN to be her momma & Josh as her daddy! My belly will always be my daily physical reminder that my baby girl isn’t in my belly, nor is she here in my arms, BUT she IS in my heart & she IS basking in the presence of The Almighty; The King of Kings & The Lord of Lords. We will see her again.

My womb was her safe place, her haven, & she felt so loved & adored there. Oh of course, we didn’t get long enough with her here on earth, but the fact that we get to spend eternity with her one day is something we will always look forward too.. My womb will also be a safe place where so many more babies are going to flourish, & not only in my womb, but outside of my womb as well! Thank you Jesus for the gift of carrying this warrior girl, Kinley Eve, & a story that continues to unfold because nothing is ever wasted!  We grieve the loss of her every single day, but we celebrate our hope in eternity. We brought heaven down that day, and every day since. It is well with my soul, It is will well